I went out all on my own today.
No, not just a frosty walk (as I’ve come to affectionately call them), not a stroll through the cemetery (NOT as morbid as it sounds) – I walked to a tram stop, got on a tram, walked through town, smiled at people, talked to people, went into shops, walked through crowds, actually purchased something in a shop, ALL ON MY BLOODY OWN.
For those of you who may not have read any of my previous blogs regarding my mental health, depression/anxiety pretty much made me into a recluse; such that I just stopped leaving the house on my own full stop, unless I was with someone I trusted – even then it was a struggle.
Then I started taking myself for early morning walks last month – I’d occasionally walk through the cemetery too. Definitely a big deal for me! I was so chuffed – I’d overcome the front door and leaving on my own. However, I realised I was only going to places I knew there’d be pretty much no other humans around and where I’d be less likely to have to interact with anybody. Therein was my next obstacle; I reasoned with myself in the last few days that if I could go out with people I trusted and physically be among people when I was with them, what’s the worst that could happen if I was alone among people?
One of my biggest problems is always that I overthink everything: & definitely since my depression/anxiety heightened, I pretty much wear myself out at times with it.
BUT NOT TODAY.
I woke up, washed my hair, put some make up on, pulled my jeans up, popped my rucksack on my back, opened the front door, stuck my ipod on shuffle and walked. I walked and I walked and I walked and I was so f*cking happy. I didn’t shake, I didn’t worry and I didn’t panic – I actually realised at one point that I was smiling to myself and worried I looked like a loon. But I didn’t care. I felt like I was walking a little taller, I may have even been walking differently – I couldn’t explain it to you to be honest. I just felt different.. good different. Like I’m bopping along to The Beach Boys right now and I haven’t stopped smiling yet.
I don’t know what happened. I don’t know where the fear or the panic went – maybe I was pretending for a while that I don’t have what I have; maybe the music in my ears was helping; maybe I was just so busy bouncing from little victory to little victory that I didn’t have time to think about thinking. I won’t get too ahead of myself now and start aiming too high. But I almost feel like…what can I achieve next?! & that feels incredible. Like, freedom?
Either way, I just wanted to share today with you – this blog saved me in ways – plus the support I’ve encountered from the blogging community in the short space of time I’ve been here, has been amazing. I want anybody who suffers with a mental illness, to know that there is always light somewhere. As dark as it gets, keep searching for the light – or make your own. But don’t think you’re alone in the darkness of a mental illness, not ever.
Thank you for reading this, truly.
Love, a really quite chuffed
Come find me on Instagram! – @katscarlettj