It’s that time of the month – the end of the month, where I like to take a moment to reflect on how I’ve been doing in terms of my mental health. I’m not gonna lie, I just re-read my January Reflection and I’m almost nervy to write this one – it’s not that Feb has been a terrible month, but I’ve felt myself going backwards a little at times, and after how positive I felt from the month before, I can’t help but feel the teeniest bit disappointed.
For one, I actually passed up the opportunity to go and stay a week with my Aunt in Wiltshire. Beautiful Wiltshire. I justified it that; I don’t have a lot of money, I’d have to go to London Victoria which means trains (no-go), huge amounts of people, being on my own amongst said people, then finding the coach, then throw in all of the excessive unnecessary panicking I’d do the whole time – ‘what if I lose my bag, what if I lose my ticket, what if I get lost? What if someone talks to me, or looks at me funny? – and BANG. I’d exhausted myself just thinking about it. It was done. I wouldn’t go, I couldn’t go, and that was that. My brain literally at times, is on a non-stop rollercoaster all of it’s own, and I feel like I’m just strapped in for the ride and unable to hop off. It’s a frikking pain in the arse.
I’ve been mulling it over, wondering if I gave in to my anxiety, whether I let it win, or if I was just being realistic about what I could handle; maybe I’ve been wanting to run before I can walk. You know I spoke about going out on my own before? Going running, going to the pub with my friends, wandering off on my own when I’m out etc – I think I thought ‘ok, now let’s do something huge!’ – when in actual fact, I’m just not ready. & that really is ok. Nobody but me, is putting pressure on me.
Aside from not making it to Wiltshire, I spent most of February being pretty hard on myself; I’ve not felt entirely blown away by the blogs I’ve written, I’ve gotten frustrated with myself over my confidence issues, about having bad days. I get worked up because I hate doing well, then being knocked out by a panic attack or a low mood that can last for anything from an hour to a week. Honestly, I exhaust myself. But! There have been high points – I’ve kept up the running, I’ve started yoga (which hurts way more than people ever talk about, or is that just me?!), I’ve seen and spoken more to my pals, & I really have tried to see the positives for the most part.
I think the lesson I want to take from February, is that things take time; I feel like I’ve wanted to move mountains this past month, when really I should have just been climbing them. I will go and visit my Aunt in Wiltshire, I will get on a train and be amongst lots of people, I will manage a coach on my own. In time. As long as I’m moving, however slowly, I’m still making progress. Oh & it’d also be really nice to hop off the self-criticism wagon and maybe take stock of what I’m achieving, rather than what I’m not. I’m my own worst enemy at times!
I wanted to end with just a short reference to the photos included in this post – my boyfriend took me to the coast yesterday – it wasn’t the sunniest day, in fact it was drizzly and far too windy (see hair ^^), but there will always be something about the sea that calms me instantly. It’s like a medicine. I think I see it, and I’m reminded that there’s a world -a freedom – outside of the four walls, outside of my brain even, and that’s really nice to know.
Please tell me about your February – tell me anything! Whether you did something great, had a crap one, can’t wait for Spring or you’re just waiting for Pancake day! Either way, I wish you the happiest March. The Spring blossoms are beginning to show…
Thank you for reading what I write, as always. 🙂
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