It’s been a while hasn’t it?!
Exactly two weeks since my last post. I’ve missed you lot, and I’ve missed this. I think I just needed some time away, to work on myself a little. As much as blogging is absolutely a healthy factor in my life, I think it’s good to step back from everything a while and, well…breathe.
My life has changed a little in the last few weeks; to put some perspective into how far I’ve come, here’s a snippet from My Mental Health – A Happy Update dated January 10th of this year:
“I went out all on my own today.
No, not just a frosty walk (as I’ve come to affectionately call them), not a stroll through the cemetery (NOT as morbid as it sounds) – I walked to a tram stop, got on a tram, walked through town, smiled at people, talked to people, went into shops, walked through crowds, actually purchased something in a shop, ALL ON MY BLOODY OWN.
For those of you who may not have read any of my previous blogs regarding my mental health, depression/anxiety pretty much made me into a recluse; such that I just stopped leaving the house on my own full stop, unless I was with someone I trusted – even then it was a struggle.”
That was written just four months ago.
I was just about managing to leave the house, go to some shops & get home, without panicking or letting my anxiety go batshit. In just the last few weeks, I’ve managed to go out by myself and think nothing of going into town when it’s crazy busy, I went to a Christening yesterday & stood infront of lots of people to become a Godmother (definitely not the standing-in front-of-lots-of-people type – school presentations were a nightmare!) & I’ve got a job. A little part-time job all of my own. It’s scary, it makes my head want to explode with how much there is to take in, and it’s very public facing. My anxiety is fuelled by people. People make me anxious. Now I’m working with people. So, yep. Scary AF. But good scary, y’know?!
Don’t get me wrong, there is a constant inward battle with my anxiety. My mind tells me I cant do something before I’ve even tried, that I’m gonna screw up, I’m gonna crumble or that people are out to hurt me. If it was down to my rotten anxiety, I’d have been done for on day one. I legit have to tell myself on a daily basis – sometimes twice/three or four times a day – ‘you’ve got this, don’t be beaten’; because it’s so easy to listen to the voice in my head and let it fill me with dread. Anxiety wants you defeated before you’ve even left the front door. It wants you to think you’re not capable, not smart, not worth it. It’s a stinker. But it’s a battle that, as we speak, I’m giving as good as I get.
I get frightened that I’ll lose – that I will screw up, that I might panic, that someone might be horrible. So as well as telling myself to not be beaten, I’m telling myself that it’s ok. It’s ok to fuck up, it’s not the end of the world if one person out of however many is a twat that day, & I haven’t failed if I panicked a little. I’m teaching myself to chuck it in the ‘fuck it’ bucket if it does go tits up, and I’m learning that maybe, the very thing that I’ve let break me before, could be what fixes me now.
So this is my happy update! I’m doing good. I’m among people, I’m earning a little bit of money again and I’m proud of how far I’ve come in just four months. It’s thanks to this blog and you wonderful people who take the time to read and comment on what I do, that I’m where I am now..so thank YOU!
Big kisses for now,
Come find me on Instagram: @katscarlettj Twitter: @katiessanctuary