My Mental Health: A Happy Update Pt II!

20170402_135605-01It’s been a while hasn’t it?!

Exactly two weeks since my last post. I’ve missed you lot, and I’ve missed this. I think I just needed some time away, to work on myself a little. As much as blogging is absolutely a healthy factor in my life, I think it’s good to step back from everything a while and, well…breathe.

My life has changed a little in the last few weeks; to put some perspective into how far I’ve come, here’s a snippet from My Mental Health – A Happy Update dated January 10th of this year:

“I went out all on my own today.

No, not just a frosty walk (as I’ve come to affectionately call them), not a stroll through the cemetery (NOT as morbid as it sounds) – I walked to a tram stop, got on a tram, walked through town, smiled at people, talked to people, went into shops, walked through crowds, actually purchased something in a shop, ALL ON MY BLOODY OWN.

For those of you who may not have read any of my previous blogs regarding my mental health, depression/anxiety pretty much made me into a recluse; such that I just stopped leaving the house on my own full stop, unless I was with someone I trusted – even then it was a struggle.”

That was written just four months ago.

I was just about managing to leave the house, go to some shops & get home, without panicking or letting my anxiety go batshit. In just the last few weeks, I’ve managed to go out by myself and think nothing of going into town when it’s crazy busy, I went to a Christening yesterday & stood infront of lots of people to become a Godmother (definitely not the standing-in front-of-lots-of-people type – school presentations were a nightmare!) & I’ve got a job. A little part-time job all of my own. It’s scary, it makes my head want to explode with how much there is to take in, and it’s very public facing. My anxiety is fuelled by people. People make me anxious. Now I’m working with people. So, yep. Scary AF. But good scary, y’know?!

Don’t get me wrong, there is a constant inward battle with my anxiety. My mind tells me I cant do something before I’ve even tried, that I’m gonna screw up, I’m gonna crumble or that people are out to hurt me. If it was down to my rotten anxiety, I’d have been done for on day one. I legit have to tell myself on a daily basis – sometimes twice/three or four times a day – ‘you’ve got this, don’t be beaten’; because it’s so easy to listen to the voice in my head and let it fill me with dread. Anxiety wants you defeated before you’ve even left the front door. It wants you to think you’re not capable, not smart, not worth it. It’s a stinker. But it’s a battle that, as we speak, I’m giving as good as I get.

I get frightened that I’ll lose – that I will screw up, that I might panic, that someone might be horrible. So as well as telling myself to not be beaten, I’m telling myself that it’s ok. It’s ok to fuck up, it’s not the end of the world if one person out of however many is a twat that day, & I haven’t failed if I panicked a little. I’m teaching myself to chuck it in the ‘fuck it’ bucket if it does go tits up, and I’m learning that maybe, the very thing that I’ve let break me before, could be what fixes me now.

So this is my happy update! I’m doing good. I’m among people, I’m earning a little bit of money again and I’m proud of how far I’ve come in just four months. It’s thanks to this blog and you wonderful people who take the time to read and comment on what I do, that I’m where I am now..so thank YOU!

Big kisses for now,

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Come find me on Instagram: @katscarlettj Twitter: @katiessanctuary

 

 

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6 thoughts on “My Mental Health: A Happy Update Pt II!

  1. Aw this is the first time im reading one of these post but I can totally relate. Sometimes I have anixty about the littlest things like my health when I am perfectly healthy. I also am very paranoid so I will be so scared that something will happen to me or that a certain place isn’t safe and i have to know where the exit is. I’m still trying to work on that. I just try to tell myself that I can’t live my life in fear or else I’m not living.
    Another thing is I use to constantly beat up myself for not having enough friends and I would tell myself that it’s my fault because I’m annoying or awkward. I just would blame myself.
    But now I’m working on that and just focusing on the people that do care about me and just trying not to care so much about what people think I guess.

    So yeah I’m all kinds of messed up haha. But we are aware of our problems and we are working on them. that is the best thing you could do.
    If you ever want to talk that’s my email: thelolalevy@gmail.com

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Jess! Thank you so, so much for reading this. Still can’t believe people read the babbling that I write, it means the world! First of all, you’re not in any way/shape or form messed up! You’re just you, and you’re right, we’re working on the parts of our lives we’re not so happy about, and that’s what it’s all about! Doing it for ourselves, and no one else 🙂 But yes, I do understand, I’m the same with the paranoia/awkwardness, it’s a HUGE pain in the butt. Hope you’re doing well & here’s my email for you too! katiessanctuary@outlook.com – big kisses! xx

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  2. Gosh I remember that post 4 months ago and you’ve still continued to make such huge strives! I’m proud of you for not letting your anxiety get the best of you! And congrats on becoming a Godmother and your new job! What till you be doing? I’m sure everything in regards to the job will go just fine!!
    xo, JJ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Do you really! Aw thanks so much JJ, honestly means the world to have your support! I’m a receptionist, it’s not going too bad 2 weeks in, I think I’m just far too pressurey on myself , I expect to be on top of it all straight away! Thank you thank you thank you! Hope you’re doing well, sending huge kisses! xx

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