The last time I wrote a reflective mental health post, I was struggling a little – if you read my March post you’ll have seen I was finding it difficult dealing with judgey/ignorant people and I was hiding away a fair bit. I then – about halfway through the month – wrote a ‘Happy Update’ – I was in a good place! I always feel like, if you’re happy you should voice it – celebrate it even. & the same goes for the little victories; getting over obstacles whether big or small is an achievement, & I find them especially important since I’ve got what I’ve got.
However. The truth of it is, I do still have what I have. I still live with anxiety and depression and I’ve really struggled in the last few weeks. I’m still dealing with a lot of stuff from my past and truth be told, I struggle to function like a normal human most of the time. I can’t always socialise, I don’t always eat and my mind is on a constant whirl of… I don’t know how to explain it. Like it just doesn’t stop. There are times when I’d give anything just to have an ‘off’ switch for my brain.
This is why I’ve been a little radio silent on here – I miss blogging so much, but I haven’t felt in the right frame of mind to write, let alone much else. I’m very good at appearing okay, and to the eye I’m pretty sure you’d look at me and think I was absolutely fine. On the upside I have been talking – when I’ve felt low/anxious, I’ve spoken to someone. I’ve kept in touch with my friends and some family and I am sorting out counselling. So as much as I’ve felt on the edge and at times like I wanna run away, I am trying to help myself.
I’ve also been trying my darndest to keep busy – I find my mind is at its nastiest when I’m not doing anything or I’m on my own. It’s probably not the best solution, but Netflix has basically saved me at times, I think it’s something to do with focusing on fictional character’s lives rather than my own for a bit – so healthy right!? & like I said I have been talking and trying to get out when I can. Other than that, I guess I haven’t been doing enough to keep occupied, come to think of it. So that’s one of my goals for May – get busy. I’m forever being told to exercise, and I do want to get running again, but the motivation is legit nowhere to be seen. Must sort that out.
It goes without saying – & you’ll prob know this if you suffer with mental health too – that the nights can be the worst. Your head hits the pillow and BAM, soz K you’re not sleeping tonight, you need to mull over that time three years ago when someone was an arsehole to you. GAHHH.
Sorry guys. I always wanted this blog to be a positive place – and it is to be fair, even if I’m sat here moaning, it’s positive in the sense that I’ve got somewhere to be me in all the many forms I come in. & the truth is, mental health illness is not pretty. I’d not be doing myself or anybody else that suffers with it justice, if I sat here and only spoke about the positives. Don’t get me wrong, they’re important – like I said I’m all about the little victories and celebrating when things are good; but the reality of it is that it can be an ugly illness and it strips you of your character, takes away who you are and what you are, makes you feel ashamed/alone/abnormal, and throw in the fact that there are gonna be judgemental people or those that just don’t get it and…yeah.
So, my mission for May is this. Keep. Going. Simple as that. There’s a quote that goes ‘It’s ok if all you did today was breathe’ – and it is. If you’re struggling, speak, talk to someone, anyone – and I need to work on this myself, but keep busy. Draw, write, exercise, cook, paint, Netflix binge, garden. I’ll pop below some links too, there are some genuinely brilliant charities and people out there who can help you.
Thank you so much for reading this and sticking with me – I’m so grateful for your support and comments, and I will absolutely be back blogging more regularly soon.
Come and find me on Instagram: @katscarlettj Twitter: @katiessanctuary