So…May was a bit of a mixed bag. I’m not gonna lie, I’m pretty much always up and down nowadays anyway – it’s actually what I say if someone asks how I am now ‘I’m a bit up and down, call me yoyo girl’. I feel like it’s BS to be like ‘oh yeah, I’m fine!’..like unless I actually am fine, in which case I guess that’d be…fine? I think what I’m trying to say is I’m owning my feelings. If I feel shit, I say it – if I’m low/tired/scared/paranoid/fed up/under-motivated/ok/getting there/not sure/numb/happy – whatever – I just say it out loud and like it is now. I feel like that’s part of the battle, y’know? Accepting that sometimes, it is what it is. I feel like the whole time I’m pretending to feel something I don’t or I’m ignoring what I feel, I’m not doing myself any favours; I’m one of life’s truest ‘bottlers’ – I bottle stuff up til I’m blue in the face, and I think it’s partly because I pretend I’m ok or whatever, and partly because I don’t feel like I can talk about stuff or always have someone to talk to. The only thing with bottling things up is, eventually that bottle will be full. Then what? It’s just not healthy.
So as well as just being honest about how I’ve been feeling, I spent a lot of May focusing on self-care. I’ve been exercising more regularly, and get this – I actually enjoy it! Say whaaa. My diet and how little I eat is still a bit of an issue, but I’m trying to make sure I eat three meals which is positive! I’ve taken time to really tend to my skin and hair – I’ve even started painting my nails again. Just silly little things like face masks, reading, looking after my babies (plants, ha), walking in the sun – I guess stuff some people wouldn’t even have to think about, but I’m actually taking the time to enjoy those things again. It’s so easy to get caught up in the snowball of a mental illness that you genuinely forget to just live.
I owe a lot to my boyfriend – no fear, no sappyness here! Just…I dunno. He’s there. & I think when I’m in the midst of a dark spell or I’m really low etc, he’s what I cling to – like a life raft or something. He’s forever holding me up and taking me steadily back to shore, reassuring me that I won’t sink, telling me to keep kicking my legs no matter what. Sometimes I feel like I might take for granted that that life raft is actually a human, and I’ve been trying my hardest to be as good to him as he is to me. I’m soo lucky.
So my goals for June are…to keep kicking. Learn to swim on my own a little better (hope you’re still following the metaphor here bc I am definitely getting carried away) and keep taking care of myself. I hope May was all sorts of good to you, and that June is sunny and warm wherever you are, & that you have a corker of a month. Tell me what you’ve been up to below! & if you’re in a bit of a fix & suffer with mental illness too, I’m only an email away. In the meantime, selfcare-up.
Big sunshiney snoggingtons,
Come find me on Instagram: @katscarlettj & Twitter: @katiessanctuary