So this is my sixth mental health reflective post – I don’t know what’s scarier, the fact that I’ve been babbling away in all my *glorious* honesty for six months, or the fact that it’s now July and people are already counting down to Christmas. Like at least wait til September, jeeez.
I wanted to start this month’s post off with a big fat thank you. I know I’m soppy AF and forever telling you how much I love you, but I’m honestly so grateful for this community, for the people who read these posts and don’t judge me, for the people who contact me or compliment me on them, and for the people who support me. You’re all top bananas.
So June was, as most months are, a little bit up and a little bit down. I’m gonna throw it out there though, and say that the good days out-weighed the bad this time. I’m feeling as though I’m just owning the depression a bit better – it’s like if I can feel it creeping up on me, I talk to it like ‘ok you’re here and that’s that… but you’re not staying, so don’t get comfortable’. It might sound odd, but I feel that it takes more out of me to fight it – like if I need to cry for an hour, fuck it I’m going to cry. That said, it doesn’t mean I’m letting it win – it’s confusing even me to explain what I mean, but I hope you’re kinda getting what I’m tryna say.
So here’s an update:
- I made the decision to come off the antidepressants; for some people they work, for others they don’t. It’s as simple as that, and truthfully I had rotten side effects the whole three months I was on them, like I feel shit enough on my own thanks tiny pills of horror.
- My diet has taken a nose dive – I’m eating more regularly which is a positive, but the negative is that I’m regularly eating junk. Somebody teach me that having tea doesn’t mean I have to dunk a biscuit in it?! So yes, diet is still a bit of an issue. Comfort eating is the enemy.
- …& I’d love to say here ‘but it’s ok folks, because I’ve been exercising all that junk off like a good girl’… alas, nope. I’ve felt pretty drained most of the month, certainly in terms of physical energy. Once again, I need to work on that. The irony of course here is if I ate better, I’d probably have more energy. Anybody wanna volunteer to kick me up the arse?
- I’ve been keeping very busy in an attempt to not let my mind wander so much – I’ve gotten back into the swing of blogging & engaging with you lovely lot – plus who knew I’d fall into Twitter and let it take over my life five hours a day (definitely healthy). If you recall, I mentioned before that I had issues for months over leaving the house on my own etc – I’m not so phased at all now. That said, I do get the occasional “omg I don’t want to answer the phone, open the front door, speak to anyone, wait why is that person looking at me, I need to hide’ …stuff. The anxiety/paranoia sadly hasn’t buggered off, but it’s definitely not as bad as it was.
I think the thing of it is for me; my mental illness has deep roots. I’ve lived with this for a long time now, and I’ve been very good over the years at getting on with horrible situations/events at the time, then crashing later on. It’s like I live off adrenaline, then the minute I take my foot off the pedal, I’m like ‘…fuck, that happened’ and I spiral. It’s been a shit old cycle I’ll be honest, so much so that it’s made me ill. But it’s my job to learn to let things go, learn what I can’t change, and try to move on. I owe it to myself to to do that, because then I can start giving this mental illness a real fist fight – to be fair mind, I think I’ve already got my boxing gloves at the ready.
So June, you weren’t too shabby. I’ve still got a lot of work to do, but I’m trying this new thing where I focus on literally the here and now. I’m trying not to worry about tomorrow, next week or five years time – I’m training myself to live in the moment a little more and stop panicking about the future; I think it’s healthy?
Thank YOU for reading this, especially if you stuck with me til the end – I’m well aware I can talk the hind legs off a donkey. But stick with me, if you will? I mean, you’ve come this far…
Til next month,
Come find me on Instagram! @katscarlettj & Twitter! @katiessanctuary