I DID IT!

So if you’ve been following my Insta stories, Twitter feed, or you’ve read my July Mental Health Reflection, you may well know that I put my brave girl undercrackers on yesterday and stood to toe-to-toe with my anxiety to come away for a break ON MY OWN. It also meant braving trains, which I’ve not been on in well over a year, so it’s safe to say, it’s a huge step.

If you don’t know me very well or you’re new to my ramblings, I won’t bore you with all the gory details, but my anxiety has had me petrified of trains – I’d have breakdowns and awful anxiety attacks on them around Spring last year and I pretty much turned the trains into the problem, rather than facing what was really getting me down. I began to dread getting on one the night before – I’d be terrified of being crammed like a sardine, or the pushing and shoving, and I’d have panic attacks every time Southern decided that my train would be delayed or cancelled (best excuse was ‘there’s a branch in the tracks’..). It was awful. 

Couple that then, with the fact that I’ve never felt brave enough to go away by myself, and… yeah? I’ve basically been a big sack of excuses everytime someone’s asked me to come and stay with them – I’d never even try because I was convinced I’d get lost, panic, be a mess without my bf. I really just didn’t think I was capable of it.

& yet. I did it yesterday.

All in one day.

On Monday, I booked a return ticket to Wiltshire to go and stay with my Auntie.

& after booking it, there was no panic – there was no regret. I think I reached a point where the desire to get away – the need to beat the anxiety – became greater than the fear of actually doing it. I decided in a very short space of time – hours in fact – that I wouldn’t let this stupid voice in my head tell me what I could/couldn’t do, & I wanted to take back control of my life – the only limits there are, are the ones I put there.

So before I knew it, Wednesday rolled around and I can’t even tell you how alien it was to be so in control of my mind – I wasn’t panicking half as much as I anticipated, I wasn’t trying to talk myself out of anything. I stood on the platform, boarded a train & arrived at London Victoria like I’d been doing it forever.

It kinda felt like I was pumped full of adrenaline, because literally nothing phased me! I could feel myself randomly smiling at times, because I kept telling myself at every little step, ‘you’ve done it’ – the getting on the train, the getting off the train, the reaching Victoria, the wading through the crowds at Victoria, the not getting in a tiz at the crowds, the finding the coach – each step felt like a f*cking victory. I also had it in mind that there were people who didn’t believe I could do it. Somehow, that just made me more determined.

It wasn’t until I sat down on the coach and genuinely thought to myself ‘how the f*ck did I just do that?!’

I’m ngl, I might have cried a little bit. It just felt like… freedom? This will probably be the cheesiest thing you read today, and I know that it’s a totally normal thing for people to just board a train or go away on their own for a break, but for me, it’s one of my biggest achievements so far – and I think it’s gonna change my life.

In short, fuck you anxiety.

If you suffer with anxiety, and think/believe you can’t handle something, please know that one day there might just be a chance you can handle it. You’re stronger than you know and no evil brain-voice has the right to dictate to you how you live. Keep fighting.

Big thank you for all the supportive and lovely messages I received via social media yesterday and on my previous mental health post. It means the absolute bloody world.

Oh & I reached Wiltshire safe & sound, welcomed with a glass of vino – the only way to be welcomed right?!

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Big emotional slobbery kisses,

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16 Comments Add yours

  1. Lauren says:

    Congrats on overcoming your anxiety!! I know what an amazing feeling that is 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Katie Rose says:

      It’s incredible isn’t it?! Thanks so much for your kind words! 🙂 xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Kimberley says:

    You are so brave, I’m so incredibly proud of you! 🤗

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Katie Rose says:

      Thank you beautiful girl, for all your support! ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. ItsSimplyMeJasmine says:

    Aweee yayyyy this has just made me so so happy!! Well done you😄😙

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Katie Rose says:

      Eee, thank you so much! 😀 x x x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. ItsSimplyMeJasmine says:

        No problem!! Xx

        Like

  4. Aw this post made me so happy, what an achievement. Congratulations hun! I hope you have the best stay in Wiltshire with your auntie 🙂 xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Katie Rose says:

      Yay! Aw thank you so much beautiful girl, means the world! xxxxx

      Like

      1. You’re more than welcome! xxxx

        Like

  5. I’m so proud omg!! This made me so happy, literally made my day. Wish you the best xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Katie Rose says:

      Aw thank you so, so much! Means the absolute world!! Sending you tons of love & virtual hugs!! xx

      Like

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