If you suffer with anxiety, you might know what it feels like to constantly feel tense.
A simple passing thought can result in a tight chest; a small trivial task can make breathing normally difficult; new people or crowds might make you want to hide; the thought of getting something wrong makes you shake, and thinking about what might happen at work/school/uni tomorrow means you lose sleep.
In truth, it’s fucking exhausting.
I can tell you right now, that I’m worrying about work. & I have absolutely no reason to! It’s stupid – I don’t even have to be there for two days, which means I’m worrying days in advance, and if you were to ask me what exactly it is I’m concerned about, I couldn’t entirely place my finger on it.
Honestly it’s just a bunch of ‘what ifs?’
What if people don’t like the dinner I’ve cooked?
What if I fuck up at work? What if I have a panic attack whilst AT work?
If I don’t put makeup on today, people will think I look awful.
What if I upset someone by saying the wrong thing? …I’ll just say nothing.
I genuinely spend so much of my life – day in/day out – panicking and worrying and being frightened, days/weeks in advance, and with no viable cause. Even on good days or days where things are going well, I still have like this weird sense of impending doom – as if my brain is telling me ‘it’s too good to be true, something bad has to happen!‘.
& yet 99.9% of the time, nothing bad actually does happen. So shouldn’t that be reassuring?! Shouldn’t the fact that the majority of the time I prove to myself I’m worrying about nothing, be enough to stop me worrying all the time?!
I just want to relax.
Genuinely, people who don’t worry about work tomorrow, or who don’t give a stuff whether they draw their eyebrows on or not, or who don’t mull over a pending train journey in their heads, are a complete mystery to me! I just don’t know what it is to feel totally and utterly relaxed. I’m always expecting the worse, living in constant anxiety and always feeling sodding tense.
The truth of all of this is, that anxiety is a bitch. It’s a little voice, sitting on my shoulder, telling me everything is awful, everything is gonna fuck up, I have 100 things to panic about and it doesn’t let up. It’s easier sometimes to cave in and believe this voice, than it is to believe I can override it and prove that what it’s telling me isn’t true.
See I know I’m capable of doing that – because I have done it. Through counselling and months of therapy, I’ve learnt and am learning how to manage my anxiety better. It’s just this ‘relaxing’ part and not feeling tense all the time part is way trickier than I anticipated. I would just love not to worry, y’know?
Do you find it hard to relax too? What do you do to calm yourself down, or override the panic/anxiety? Are you in the same situation as me? Let me know in the comments below!
Thank you for being top bananas and reading this, MH never gets easier to talk about.
Ly my little possums,