What I’d Give to Just RELAX.

20170805_195544-01

If you suffer with anxiety, you might know what it feels like to constantly feel tense.

A simple passing thought can result in a tight chest; a small trivial task can make breathing normally difficult; new people or crowds might make you want to hide; the thought of getting something wrong makes you shake, and thinking about what might happen at work/school/uni tomorrow means you lose sleep.

In truth, it’s fucking exhausting.

I can tell you right now, that I’m worrying about work. & I have absolutely no reason to! It’s stupid – I don’t even have to be there for two days, which means I’m worrying days in advance, and if you were to ask me what exactly it is I’m concerned about, I couldn’t entirely place my finger on it.

Honestly it’s just a bunch of ‘what ifs?’ 

What if people don’t like the dinner I’ve cooked?

What if I fuck up at work? What if I have a panic attack whilst AT work?

If I don’t put makeup on today, people will think I look awful. 

What if I upset someone by saying the wrong thing? …I’ll just say nothing.

I genuinely spend so much of my life – day in/day out – panicking and worrying and being frightened, days/weeks in advance, and with no viable cause. Even on good days or days where things are going well, I still have like this weird sense of impending doom – as if my brain is telling me ‘it’s too good to be true, something bad has to happen!‘.

& yet 99.9% of the time, nothing bad actually does happen. So shouldn’t that be reassuring?! Shouldn’t the fact that the majority of the time I prove to myself I’m worrying about nothing, be enough to stop me worrying all the time?!

I just want to relax.

Genuinely, people who don’t worry about work tomorrow, or who don’t give a stuff whether they draw their eyebrows on or not, or who don’t mull over a pending train journey in their heads, are a complete mystery to me! I just don’t know what it is to feel totally and utterly relaxed. I’m always expecting the worse, living in constant anxiety and always feeling sodding tense.

The truth of all of this is, that anxiety is a bitch. It’s a little voice, sitting on my shoulder, telling me everything is awful, everything is gonna fuck up, I have 100 things to panic about and it doesn’t let up. It’s easier sometimes to cave in and believe this voice, than it is to believe I can override it and prove that what it’s telling me isn’t true.

See I know I’m capable of doing that – because I have done it. Through counselling and months of therapy, I’ve learnt and am learning how to manage my anxiety better. It’s just this ‘relaxing’ part and not feeling tense all the time part is way trickier than I anticipated. I would just love not to worry, y’know?

Do you find it hard to relax too? What do you do to calm yourself down, or override the panic/anxiety? Are you in the same situation as me? Let me know in the comments below!

Thank you for being top bananas and reading this, MH never gets easier to talk about.

Ly my little possums,

http-signatures-mylivesignature-com-54494-355-4f5963f54c5592ff541aa0878ca957e3

 

 

Advertisements

19 Comments Add yours

  1. I know just how you feel! The makeup comment has been a struggle of mine forever. I want to be more natural, but my face breaks out and it’s like this frustrating, never ending cycle that continues. I feel hideous without it, but I wish I could just not care. I have found drinking herbal/green tea and introducing herbal tinctures into my daily life has helped A LOT with reducing my anxiety. Just know you are not alone, and I too know the exhaustion of worrying about the same things you do! 💕~Anne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Katie Rose says:

      I’m so sorry you don’t feel confident without makeup Anne, but I’ll bet you look just beautiful despite what you think! I know how you feel, it’d be so lovely to not care so much that it exhausts us. :/ When you say herbal tinctures, what do you mean?! It sounds magic! Anything that helps with anxiety sounds amazing!! Thank you so much for letting me know I’m not alone, right back at ya! We’re in this together! ❤ x x x

      Like

  2. suzielily says:

    I empathise with you so much in this post! I’m the same, I worry about little things that most people couldn’t care less about. I have an interview I’m so scared about it all the time and it’s not for 2 weeks yet! 😦 I hope things get better for you and you are able to relax in the future 🙂 x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Katie Rose says:

      Oh no!! I’m so sorry you’re worrying so much about this interview – I totally know how you feel, the sleepless nights etc. It’s pants! Not that I’m one to offer advice, but try like a meditation vid on youtube and see if that helps you worry a little less! It’s been recommended to me and it sorta works? Guess it depends on your frame of mind at the time.. who knows! Either way, I really hope you feel ok soon and everything looks up for you, lots of luck & love for your interview! ❤ ❤ x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. suzielily says:

        Thank you so much for your advice! It’s nice to know that you’re not alone. I’ll try and find one if it’s been recommended to you and it helped 🙂 Thank you, I hope things look up for you too! Hopefully one day we can live a super chill life and not have to worry about silly things! xx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Katie Rose says:

        Omg yes, how bloody lovely does a super chill life sound!! You’re welcome, have a look around & see what you can find, I’m told it helps – oo and I’ve tried yoga which kinda chills you out too! I just wanna be chill for longer than an hour really, y’know?! Lol! Lots of love lovely girl xx

        Liked by 1 person

      3. suzielily says:

        It sounds amazing, I’ve forgot what it feels like tbh :’) I will do! I get you, it’s like you forget for half an hour, get a nice confidence burst and them bam back to worrying! We’ve got this girl, we can get through it! xx

        Like

  3. Reblogged this on Quinonostante.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hannah says:

    I relate so much to you with this. Wish I could say something to help, but I can’t, but know you’re not alone. xx

    blog.doodleheart.co.uk

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Katie Rose says:

      Thanks so much Hannah, believe me it’s actually just nice to know that I’m not alone ❤ xxx

      Like

  5. I completely get this! Sometimes trying to sit still and focus for a certain length of time is hard enough. I’m constantly tired from over thinking, over analysing and generally being overly anxious about things a ‘normal’ person wouldn’t give a second thought to…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Katie Rose says:

      Yes I completely get that! Even just sitting watching a TV show I’m tetchy like… can’t relax can’t relax! I’m with you on everything you say – it’s so exhausting isn’t it? Hey, we’re still normal though, just a different kinda normal! ❤ x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. ‘Normal’ is boring anyway right?

        Like

  6. ItsSimplyMeJasmine says:

    I know exactly how you feel! Its so so exhausting, and a break where I can just relax all on my own with nothing that can worry me or stress me out literally sounds like the best thing in the world for me – especially recently where my mental health just seems to be getting worse and worse.
    You’re not alone, and this post had made me remember that I’m not alone as well – thank you❤

    Like

  7. Kimberley says:

    I relate so much to this post! But you’re doing so fabulously well and you know I’m always here if you need a rant or a shoulder! Xxx

    Like

  8. Mirela B. says:

    Katie,

    Your post resonates with me so deeply! I’m almost speechless. I wanted to reply earlier, but I just couldn’t find the right words. I’m so glad that you’re sharing your pain, instead of letting it silently dwell inside of you, infesting your every cell. Ugh. Wow, how much I can relate… Well said- I especially like how you said things never turn out as bad as you imagined. So true! Sometimes I feel so awkward in social situations because I overthink things. I hear you about just wanting to freaking relax! My poor body aches everywhere! My head, shoulders, back, etc. hurt because of stress. A lot of it I create by worrying over things I cannot control. What’s more, like you, I also worry how I’ll be perceived in certain situations. Sometimes, I’ll prepare hours before an event, and wait until the last minute to run around and actually get ready… I just want to get to a place where I can get ready, sit and relax, chill out…

    I wanted to let you know that I also find myself overthinking situations way before they happen, and dwell on events that have already occurred. Anyway, I’m really trying to be more present, as I often find myself lost in thought… Mindfulness is not easy, especially when it’s not objective. Instead of just observing my thoughts, I often judge them. This creates more suffering. Old habits are hard to break, and I am trying to establish new ones. Instead of impulsively reacting to thoughts or emotions, I’m working on just noticing them as an observer. It is very rewarding, well worth all the effort.

    It does get easier with time. This is, after all, one of the major benefits of meditation; the fact that we not only relax in the moment, but obtain more equanimity in general. Instead of being tossed about by our transitory thoughts and emotions, we begin to feel more anchored, and at peace. We can experience emotions and have thoughts, but not give them so much power over us. We are, after all, in control. I’ve also learned that a lot of thoughts I have are simply “neurological junk.” They are just old wiring patterns, faulty, designed to keep me repeating old habits I’ve created. It’s literally another part of my brain. Our minds are so complex…

    I find sitting still difficult, so I don’t meditate as much as I’d like, but I’ve been working on bringing my awareness back each time it wanders throughout the day, which is a lot, haha. It’s exhausting. I have such a long way to go, but it’s so amazing when I hear other people’s stories, and connect with them in a way that goes beyond mundane boundaries. We all struggle with things, some of us just hide it really well. I love when I see someone break the barrier of expected social mores with simple honesty. Amazing post. Thank you again for sharing! I wish you peace and healing! I hope your worries become lessened, and eventually fade into the background, leaving you finally geek by RELAXED 🙂

    Like

    1. Mirela B. says:

      Oops! Autocorrected incorrectly! It should have said “finally feeling RELAXED.” I’m sure you got that, haha

      Like

  9. ShedTheMask says:

    I am often on edge about things I can’t control and my loved ones when they aren’t with. I can remember the days when I didn’t have a care in the world and now I have no idea how that was ever possible.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s