Now you may not have noticed, but I never actually got around to posting my ‘Mental Health: September Reflection’ – in truth I kept putting it off and told myself it was ok to miss one, it didn’t matter. & it doesn’t matter, not in the grand scheme of things. I was just a little gutted in myself, because these reflections have been a constant in my life for the last year. So I guess I want to make up for that here.
The reason(s) I put it off and ultimately decided not to write it is because I just felt like a bit of a fail. My anxiety the last two months has been ridiculous; I’ve dipped back into old habits of coping, I’ve made myself physically feel ill where I’m panicking so much and I spend most days just feeling this huge weight of nerves with no idea how to shift them or manage them, and literally zero motivation.
I also had my last counselling session last week and rather than coming away from it feeling like I’ve learned enough to build myself anew, I kinda just felt this insane sadness and deflation that it had ended and I was on my own again. Like not obviously completely on my own – I have my loved ones – but my counsellor the last two years has been one of the best and healthiest parts of my life… and, yeah.
I just don’t entirely feel like I’m done needing her. Like I said, I have my loved ones, but there are 100% days when some or all of them can’t be there/don’t understand/get frustrated etc. & in truth, I don’t always reach out when I could. It’s that whole thing isn’t it? Not wanting to bring other people into your nightmare. Guilt.
The thing is with anxiety, in my personal experience, is it can make you become a little self-destructive. Those voices that tell you you’re going to fail/fuck up, panic, that people don’t like you, will hurt you, or are talking about you, they become the only thing you can hear – they drown everything else out, any reasoning, logic or rationalisation. Then you try to ‘cope’, and not always in the best way, which can become self-destructive. You end up not being there for yourself, not caring if you eat. You end up not being able to be there for other people as well as you could, you risk missing opportunities or losing out on stuff. It’s just like a poison that seeps into all the little cracks of your life and before you know it, you’re in this black hole of shit.
…and that’s pretty much been me the last two months! Don’t I sound like a barrel of lols?! Just feel like I’ve struggled non-stop. I feel like all I ever feel is panic and dread and worry, and it’s exhausting. So, in short, I just didn’t want to write a post at the time, that pretty much highlighted the fact that I felt I’d gone a bit backwards in my recovery. I felt this overwhelming wave of ‘I’ve let myself down, I’ve let other people down, and who wants to read about that?!’ – but the truth of all of this is, is that – Recovery. Takes. Time. & people do need to read about that. Also, and most importantly, it shouldn’t just be about documenting the victories – even though that is crucial! But it’s also acknowledging the fallbacks, because that’s where we rebuild. That’s where strength is mustered, that’s the foundation of a victory.
If you take anything away from this post today, please remind yourself that you’re doing the very best that you can. Take each day as it comes. There are going to be shitty horrible days, maybe even weeks that make you feel like you’re back at square one, but that doesn’t mean you’ve failed. I haven’t failed. I only have to look back on where I was a year ago to know how far I’ve come. It’s about taking note of your progress, being patient with yourself, and a fuck load of selfcare.
A friend of mine said to me the other week, “recovery is not linear”.
& I found this that I wanted to share with you too:
So I’m regrouping, and I’m starting again.
Thanks for sticking with me, peanuts ❤