First things first, I want to wish you the happiest new year. Wherever you are, wherever you’re reading this from, I hope that 2018 is everything you want it to be! In fact, let’s start with that – it’s been bloody wonderful to see all the different countries you guys are reading from. I’ve been blogging for just over a year now and it’ll never not be amazing to me that people actually read what I write; thank you. Towards the end of the year, I wasn’t nearly as active as I’d have liked to be – but I intend to change that this year, so stick with me won’t ya?!
So let’s get the tough stuff outta the way. I can tell you now that I spent the majority of 2017 suffering badly with my mental health. For the most part, I just felt complete hopelessness. I contemplated my existence a handful of times, I questioned my purpose, I fought my own mind on a loop. In many ways it was probably the worst year yet, in terms of how low I felt. I realise that for the longest time – for years – I’ve simply ‘existed’ rather than lived.
I intend to change that too.
I do suffer with my mental health – I may not be the best at holding down a job, meeting up with friends or dealing with anything remotely human as a result of that at times, but I’ve got heart. When it boils down to it, I truly believe that life is beautiful – & I want to live it. As much as depression & anxiety will have me believe I can’t carry on at times, I know I can. Because I’ve done it before. & I’ll keep doing it. I want to grow, to learn, to progress – I want to see things, witness magic and be so lost in a moment that the world stops for a while. In fact, strike that, I want a hundred moments like that, not just one! 2018 will be different, just because it has to be. Time is precious, and I refuse to watch it pass me by any longer.
& hey! 2017 wasn’t all bad. It’d be easy to drown in all the negativity, but there were people, memories and moments that made it altogether actually pretty wonderful. I have absolutely the best partner in life. He’s adventure, inspiration & love all rolled into one! My mental health has been tough on both of us this past year and I’m so grateful that he chooses me again and again. I had weekends with friends at castles & zoos, laugh-cried a lot on my Grandad’s 70th, saw London lit up for Christmas, ate food cooked by actual chefs (I know right?!); went glamping, repeatedly found the courage to blog about mental health, and donned my probably-now-infamous brave girl undercrackers(!) to journey & visit my Aunt in Wiltshire – twice! & I really do have the very best friends. I didn’t spend nearly enough time with them this past year, & with 2018 being the year that one of my best friends will become a Dad for the first time, it’s already so special! I also plan on finally meeting my beaut pal Kimberley who I wouldn’t have been able to get through 2017 without!
I’ve coined this post ‘My Happiness Year’, simply because I am determined for it to be just that. I’ve been mourning for who I was for such a long time, rather than using the opportunity to become someone I actually want to be. It’s a gift really; a sort of rebirth? (If you’re not thinking of Fawkes the phoenix right now, then… you’re doing it all wrong my friend!) Happiness begins from within, so I’m starting with me: I’m promising myself self-love and self-care; I promise myself that it’ll be ok not to be ok, just as long as I find the courage to get back up.
I promise to breathe; to put my mental health first and to remember to ask for help when I need it. I promise to live more in the moment, to be creative again, to drink more water, to eat better and to put my running trainers on from time to time. I promise to dig my sketchpad out, read more books & see my friends more. I promise to lap nature up and witness 100 more sunsets, to save money and explore. I promise to learn and blog, and do more that scares me, because I know it’ll grow me. I’ll stop saying ‘maybe tomorrow‘, I’ll work on letting go of what’s beyond my control & I’ll work on not giving a hoot about what other people may think of me.
I will allow myself happiness.
I hope you are as filled with determination as I am for the new year – do you have any resolutions or are you resolving, like me, for it simply to be the year of happiness?
Whatever you wish it to be, I hope 2018 is your best year yet!
Love & kisses,