This is a bit of an impromptu post – I’d actually planned ahead for once and had a review of some Maybelline lip products at the ready – somehow though, this one felt a little bit more important.
Anxiety is a bitch any old time of the day, amIright? It doesn’t matter where you are or what you’re doing, when it hits, it’s hits. It’s different for everybody of course, but for me it shows itself predominantly in social situations; so big groups/crowds, around people that make me uncomfortable or people I don’t really know. I also get it at night – pretty much the second my head hits the pillow it’s like “OH HEY LET’S OPEN 250,000 TABS AND HAVE YOU SIFT THROUGH THEM AND FEEL PANTS ABOUT YOURSELF, YEAH?!”. Before I know it I’m laying there anxious AF, and suddenly feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.
I actually dread going to bed sometimes. I struggle to get to sleep anyway, but even when I do I often get night terrors or nightmares and then, coincidently, night sweats. Sorry, TMI. It’s all just a massive pain in the neck, to put it mildly. I’m not even entirely sure why I get anxiety at night – I think subconsciously I must be worrying all the time anyway, but the second there’s nothing there to distract me anymore, it’s just me, myself & worry. It’s actually gotten to the point where I worry about worrying now. Yikes.
It was only last night that I wound up having an anxiety attack because I was getting anxious… about being anxious. It began with racing thoughts – thinking about things that made me anxious, things I perhaps hadn’t addressed, things from years ago, the future, the right now – you name it, my brain probably gave it a good chew & spat it at me. My chest started to tighten which always signals panic, and then before I knew it I just started to fill with doom – everything was awful, everything was going to go wrong, there wasn’t any hope; I was trapped. I’m not sure if anyone else who suffers with anxiety gets this but, I have a habit of tapping my fingers, or clenching my fists when I feel it setting in – sometimes I might even dig my nails in, but I won’t always realise I’m doing any of this because I’ll be that lost in my panic bubble. I feel tingly, pins and needles like, and then I realise I’m panicking. My breathing goes off and the second I know I’m no longer in control, is the second I have a panic attack.
I cried and I cried, and I tensed up and clamped, to then release and feel like a ragdoll. & repeat. I felt like a witness. I felt like I’d stepped out of my body and was watching the whole sorry episode unfold. It’s like something else had taken over and I was powerless – all I could do was wait for it pass – because it would pass. It always does. You’d think I’d be used to all this now and it wouldn’t be so bad when it happens – but everytime is like the first time. How romanticly un-romantic.
I’m lucky in that when this happens, for the most part, I’ve had someone there who can try to calm me down; when it happens at night, I’ve got my boyfriend who is now well trained in dealing with a panicked Katie! But for the most part – and when it comes down to it – it’s all pretty frikking lonely. Nobody else can see what’s going on in your head, and more often than not, nobody can truly understand. So it’s all just made that little bit worse when you’re in the dark, in the middle of the night, with just your thoughts for company and torment.
I have actually tried to ‘fix’ all this – I’ve been to the Doctor who prescribed me a high dosage of antidepressant that would simultaneously help me sleep – it doesn’t. I’ve tried listening to hypnosis or music specifically designed to help you sleep on YouTube… nope. I’ve tried chamomile tea, deep breathing, writing in my diary before bed – and yet, I still manage to lay there looking up at the ceiling at 1.30 in the morning. It’s exhausting.
I’m not entirely sure what I hoped to get out of writing this post – I think I thought it might help me to write it all down, see if I can unpick my words & find a way to make it all a little bit easier, find a new method to help me sleep, stop me worrying, keep the demons away. I’m afraid if you came here for some resolve, I’m fresh out my friends! I guess I just wanted to say… if you’re suffering with it – the sleepless nights/night terrors/night sweats or anxiety that kicks up a special stink at night – then… me too. You’re not alone. & hey if you’ve got any tips for me, let me know!
I think it might be an idea to just address head on whatever is giving me the willies, rather than taking it to bed with me. We’ll start there. In the meantime, I’m sending you the biggest smooches this “blue Monday” (pish to that, btw) & thank you, as always, for sticking with me no matter what.